Success starts with becoming your own best friend — lessons from love

Parque Nacional dos Lençóis Maranhenses, Barreirinhas, Brazil . Roi Dimor . Unsplash .

Think of your best friend.

When you are with your best friend, how do you feel?

My closest friend Phoebe makes me feel loved, accepted, and appreciated every time we meet. Great friends make us feel comfortable and at home regardless of where we are in the world or our stage in life.

Now apply that concept to your relationship with yourself. The idea of self-love can be intimidating, so let’s reframe it in lighter terms. Are you a great friend to yourself? Do you listen and cater to your needs? Do you encourage your efforts and appreciate your features? If not, what can you do to be a better friend to yourself?

Treating your self as another person can make it easier to be self-loving. Speaking and referring to yourself in third-person allows you to view things in hindsight and dissect the details more objectively. In the On Being podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert, Gilbert shares a dialogue she had with herself in her own self-love journey — which led to the worldwide phenomenon Eat, Pray, Love.

“What transformed my life was those first four months I spent in India where I had to be alone with myself, and we [me and myself] really made a peace accord. And when I say ‘myself’, I should say my selves because we’re not a self. We’re selves. And one by one, I went around to all my selves, and we shook hands and made peace with each other, and said,

‘You know what? We’re not going to operate against each other anymore. This has gotta be a better neighborhood to live in. We have to put down the weapons. We have to put down the old complaints. We have to put down the perfectionism. We have to put down the judgement. We have to put this stuff away because we are doing such tremendous harm to this poor being, Liz, who has to carry this war around within her.’

I really came away from that trip befriended.”

Hand of the Desert, Chile . Roi Dimor . Unsplash .

Although I do have a high self-esteem, I realize I still hold self-sabotaging thoughts. For example, when I was applying to jobs the other day, I caught myself saying, “You’re not qualified enough” and “This company is too cut-throat for you”. Self-pity is insidious as it can appear in thoughts as simple as “You’re too tired to do this” or “You’re too sick. Just rest.” These limiting notions hinder me from pushing past my limits and elevating my career.

Though thoughts like these are still prevalent, I have developed strategies to counter them. I ask myself “How would I want a friend to respond?” and repeat those responses to myself: “You’ve never done this job before but your skills clearly transfer. Just apply.” and “You’re doing so well, just send a few more applications”. This switch transpired because I grew upset with myself for even entertaining the negative remarks. Here is a poem documenting that moment:

6/17/18
inspiration runs deep tonight
i have goals to achieve
i have dreams to manifest
i am done creating my own sadness
i read somewhere that the game’s over
the moment you start feeling sorry for yourself

c, you let it happen
you are forgiven
now move on

dad said something today that resonated
anecdotes of his darkest times in ‘14
“the mind is so powerful”
whatever your mind thinks, becomes
“tough times don’t last, but tough people do”
you are the shit, c

you are what you are, and you will be whatever it is you plan
be your own fucking best friend again
it’s time to build, battle, and conquer
it’s time for you and c to reunite
and fucking
take.
over.

Being your best friend means you have to be attuned to your needs, pay attention to subtle details, and celebrate yourself when you deserve it. In the last month, I’ve been making an active effort to listen. When I started to feel unnecessarily nervous, I traced the anxiety to my overconsumption of coffee. I solved it by switching to tea for a week. When my mind felt cloudy from stressing over an upcoming interview, I made sure to practice ample and go for a run to clear my head. When I hit my monthly goal of applying to 50 jobs, I celebrated by going on a solo trip to the beach where I read, tanned, and napped.

Kevin Gent . Unsplash .

Once you befriend yourself, you begin to feel at home. Suddenly your mind becomes an exuberant force, and your body works harder to help you accomplish your goals. You start to feel more aligned and comfortable with being lonely, and possibly prefer spending time alone.

This homey feeling allows me to live creatively. I spend time exploring new ideas and spaces; creating content and writing poems; meeting new people and attentively listening to their stories. I make things more beautiful than they need to be, and send more loving messages than people expect. I am driven more by playful curiosity than by debilitating fear. This is all a result of me finding my way back home.

“Everything we want is on the other side of this dark river of self-hatred that is so prevalent in ourselves and in our culture.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Self-love has a domino effect. If you invest in it, it lifts your self-esteem. It creates a positive self-fulfilling prophecy as it influences the way you move, think, and interact. The sooner you become your own best friend, the sooner you will be able to achieve what you want. Train yourself to notice when negativity emerges. Then ask, “Would you ever allow someone to speak to your friend like how you do with yourself?” With enough practice, you will be able to rewire your thoughts and habits to work in your favor.

Success doesn’t necessarily start with becoming your own best friend, however it will provide you with the health and longevity to achieve it.

This article was inspired by the On Being With Krista Tippett podcast episode with Elizabeth Gilbert on “Choosing Curiosity Over Fear”.

Thank you to Richard Bui and Christopher Luu for editing this article.