Life is a confidence game— lessons from Terry Crews
We live our lives by the stories we tell ourselves.
But what if those stories are wrong?
By stories, I mean our self-talk, self-image, and depictions of self-worth. What do you honestly think of yourself? Is it accurate to how others see you? Does it align with how you want to be seen?
What if we told ourselves a better story?
The opinions we have of ourselves control the way we move, speak, and assess the world around us. It influences how defensive we are, how we seek affirmation, and where we allocate our attention. As our narratives control us, we are also capable of controlling them. Our thoughts can range from positively (self-serving) to negatively impacting (self-destructive) our minds and bodies. Think about how you talk to yourself and ask yourself: Are my thoughts primarily self-serving or self-destructive? Self-destructive thoughts such as “I can’t do it” and “What if…” are universal and often automatic, but that does not mean we are unable to conquer our demons. The insidiousness of these thoughts do not matter if we are aware of how they enter our minds and if we take immediate action to eliminate them.
As Terry Crews says in his podcast interview with Tim Ferriss,
Get rid of self-sabotage, and you can achieve whatever you need.
In the interview, Terry Crews says that one of his greatest failures was his high school championship basketball game (listen at 36.32). It was the last minute of the game, and the scores of each team were tied. Crews had taken a chance at the winning shot. When he missed the shot and his team lost the game, his teammates shamed him. His coach yelled at him for deviating from the game plan and blamed him for the loss. The city newspaper even wrote an article highlighting his failure.
This caused Crews to fall into a downward spiral of regret and dark rumination, that is, until he listened to the voice inside his head. The voice said, “When you had the chance and everything was on the line, you took the shot. You did that.” Crews repeated this to himself and reassessed the event to his advantage. He completely reframed the situation from his worst memory to become his greatest failure. This experience was a turning point in how he encountered obstacles and claimed responsibility over his mistakes.
Unless one undergoes a traumatic event, waking moments, such as Crews describes, do not just happen. They are a result of one’s constant reflection of life events with the intention of discerning why things happened the way they did. However, the key element in this process is what follows the shock of awareness: the reframe. This is when we choose what we gain from our experiences to help ourselves progress in the most beneficial way.
Throughout my younger years, I was very self-conscious about my ability to read. I had great difficulty processing information at an appropriate speed, so I developed an insecurity around reading. I feared “popcorn reading” where you’d be randomly picked to read aloud to the class. I couldn’t keep up with the class and often read summaries online. I remember, every time I had to share a story packet with a classmate, I always pretended I finished reading so my partner could finally turn to the next page. At the end of these readings, I had no idea what the text was about.
For years, I unconsciously told myself I was unintelligent, silently blaming my upbringing for my deficiency. This insecurity persisted until my last year of college (insane, I know), until I decided to own my weakness and actively build my skills. I opened a Goodreads account and set a reading challenge each year. I hit 12 books in 2016, 20 books in 2017, and currently 7 books this year. I told myself that I was a strong reader before I truly believed it. This motivated me to actually read and produce consistent results. Through a combination of confronting my limitation, planning and executing on my goal, and reframing my conversations with myself, I built confidence and a new identity as an avid reader.
Terry Crews describes a book titled The Master Key System that presents a philosophy called “Have, Do, Be” (listen at 44). The essence of this philosophy is:
“In order to Have, you have to Do.
In order to Do, you have to Be.”
A example Crews mentions is his dream of becoming rich.
“I always had dreams that one day I’d have money. And then I said, ‘Wait a minute, I’m rich… I’m rich now.’ And here’s the thing, I didn’t have a penny. You do things and you say, ‘Now that I’m rich, what would a rich man do?’ And I started doing things that rich people did. And once I did it, I had it. Have, do, be.”
This system of thinking seems extremely simplified, but what if “being” really is this easy?
Confidence is a muscle that is created through consistent affirmation and reinforcement. If you recognize that the narrative you tell yourself is not what you want, change it. Train yourself to be your ideal self by shifting your mindset. It takes self-discipline to form any habit or reach any goal, but this is necessary if you want to achieve what you’ve always wanted for yourself. Do what it takes to get what you need.
Life is a confidence game, so plan accordingly.
Fake it ’til you make it.
Pretend you are your ideal self until you become it. Instead of “I hate uncomfortable situations”, reframe and say “I love these situations. The best things in life are on the other side of fear.” Instead of “I’m fat and suck at exercising”, reframe and say “I’m hot and just keep getting hotter”.
You can use any medium to practice this. Tim Ferriss keeps it simple by writing “I am…” and listing three adjectives in his daily journal. I also prefer writing everything down, but then reading it over and over until it doesn’t sound foreign anymore.
Be fearless.
Surrender yourself to your darkest parts to overcome them. Though everyone has their demons, it takes a certain type of person to conquer them. Be that person. “Character, like a photograph, develops in the dark” (Yousuf Karah).
Terry Crews recently came forward with allegations of being sexual assaulted by a powerful Hollywood executive in 2016. The fact that he spoke publically about something so personal, something that made him feel so defenseless. The fact that he came out to the LAPD despite all the pushback. The fact that he continues to take massive action to fight against sexual harassment. His vulnerability and authenticity contests society’s definition of power and masculinity, inspiring other sexual assault victims to also speak up.
Listen.
“There is nothing more valuable than someone who speaks truth into your life” (Terry Crews). Find people who are blunt and will call you out, who tell you where you excel and fall short. The truth hurts no matter what, so why not make it constructive? Only bold people will tell you to your face what others say behind your back. That’s what makes them rare.
This article was inspired by Terry Crews’s interview on the Tim Ferriss Show. The only podcast episode I’ve listened to more than three times. I was also inspired by a conversation I had with my father. He said, “Confidence is much more beautiful than physical appearances”, and I agree. Last inspiration for this piece was a conversation I had with my co-worker Gloria about the importance of language and how subtle connotations greatly impact our perceptions. We talked about how awareness cannot be forced on anyone, how people have to see things for themselves to take action.
Songs We Sing: A playlist titled “Shewolf” — yo girl’s current soundtrack.
Thank you Dennis Pungdumri and Theresa Tran for editing this article.
