Choose yourself, choose Her — lessons from heartbreak
There is someone who needs your loving. Someone you have been neglecting. Someone subtle and soft-spoken, yet loyal and omniscient. That person is you.
Most of our lives are spent catering to others. Constantly working for, taking care of, and listening to other people. That is, until you think, “Well, what about me?”
Why is it that we precede others before ourselves when it comes to love? In other words, why is it easier to say “I love you” than “I love me”? Whether it is caused by the lack of love in the world, our human longing for external validation, or a culmination of factors, it is our responsibility to manage our own sense of self-worth and self-image.
Development of any kind requires identification of the current state. We must identify where we are in our process, our assumptions and expectations, and realize the need for change. Particularly, if we want to make strides towards our goals, we must see ourselves for what we truly are. Then, we must make the choice to take action. Gathering the courage to advance into the unknown in the name of ambition is both daunting and heroic. The moment we choose to embrace ourselves is the moment we become our own heroes.
Though I am a female who is (extremely) irked by the damsel-in-distress archetype, I sometimes cannot help feel like I need to be rescued. With responsibilities to fill and people to care for (like any other human), I often relied on my past lover to emotionally support me when the world became too heavy. Although looking towards loved ones for comfort in times of need is common, I knew I wanted to ween off my dependence if I wanted to be a stronger woman.
This thought, this desire for independence, was tested when my relationship ended early last month. The grief and pain that ensued was much stronger than I had anticipated. I knew I needed to take a step back if I wanted to fully recover.
The quote that follows is what gave me the courage to begin my healing process (unknown source):
“The woman you are becoming will cost you people, relationships, spaces, and material things. Choose her over everything.”
It took a good month for me to recenter. What progressed this healing process was the several hours of alone time reserved each week. I focused on a series of self-care routines that restored my mental, physical, and emotional states. First and foremost, I fed my mind. I read more than I’ve ever read in a month, taking notes on lessons I considered meaningful. I used these lessons to analyze and refine my own systems of thinking and pinpoint areas for improvement. Next, I cared for and listened to my body: sleeping, exercising, exfoliating as often as I could. Lastly, I fed my soul. I wrote poems, started this Medium series, engaged in deep conversations with my beloveds, and practiced my power to say “no”.
The turning point for me was when I started listening to music again. I had told myself I would avoid music until I didn’t need to anymore. Here is a poem documenting that moment:
1/22/18
today i forgot why i stopped listening to music
since podcasts sounded terrible this morning
i opened spotify to play an easy smooth quiet playlist on my morning commute
and then tears started to well and flow down my cheeks
watching the sun rise reminded me of our mornings together
how we would wake up and cuddle and fall back to sleep
or how we’d get up and prepare for our day together
thoughts of you flooded my mind and i found myself in a trance
i miss you. so much.
and I didn’t realize it.
i thought i was fine these past few weeks,
the last time i cried was the thursday after new year’s.
now i know it’s because I avoided everything that reminded me of you.
is it better to continue listening to music and purge or avoid it entirely until I fall out of love with you?
(Yes, your girl did the right thing.) I chose the former. I chose to listen to new music and craft bumpin’ playlists like I did in my younger years; I chose to embrace reality and the loneliness; and I chose to realign my life in pursuit of strength and independence.
Progressing in the direction of change will undoubtably take repeated sacrifice and relentless courage. However it is our job to remind ourselves that we are brave enough to move forward. It is through the act of choosing yourself when you expand your definitions of self-sufficiency, self-worth, and self-love.
Songs We Sing: Moving On and Getting Over by John Mayer
This article was inspired by a poetry book my friend Phoebe lent me about women, their strength, and beauty. It is Her by Pierre Alex Jeanty. Highly recommend for all readers.
Thank you to Kelvin Huang and Phoebe Lee for editing this article.
